Fear and Loathing in Disney World

In keeping with our general family tradition that vacation travel days must inflict as much hardship, inconvenience, suffering and pain as possible, I'm happy to report that our travel day down to Orlando was a resounding success.

The dog sitter slept in our bedroom. We slept in the living room on the queen-sized bladder, otherwise known as an inflatable bed. It was so comfy that I could not bear to waste one minute of enjoying it's wonders with sleep. I think at one point I might have failed at my all night vigil, but thankfully the alarm when off at 3:30 a.m. to summon me back to enjoying the bladder.

We were flying out of Midway rather than O'Hare. Midway is 45 miles away from us, as opposed to O'Hare which is only thirteen. Nothing unusual in our flying out of Midway. What was unusual was that I booked a shuttle to take us to the airport. Unusually we go via the El. I really do it for Hisselfness, who I think needs the exercise. What better way to get the blood pumping than schlepping 4 suitcases 2 blocks to the station, onto a train and then up and down stairs at Washington to change trains to Midway? No this time we took the sissy way out and had door-to-door service.

I wish I could say that the 2 1/2 hour wait at Midway for our flight to depart and the flight itself was interesting, it wasn't. Unless you count Hisselfness getting up and telling the little girl sitting behind him on the flight that unless she stopped karate kicking the seats he was going to start kicking her. There was no more kicking for the remainder of the flight. The woman sitting next to us enthusiastically thanked him. Frankly I think Hisselfness was a little out of line by threatening the girl. I would have threatened to kick her mother.

We were very happy to finally via Magical Express arrive at the Wilderness Lodge.

Now before I go on, let me first say, that I celebrate diversity, and Disney has for many, many been a leading corporate citizen in this respect. But, apparently it was Small World day at the front desk at the Wilderness Lodge. The desk was full with clerks, all from different nations of the world. We were lucky enough to get China.

Our clerk was very nice, but unfortunately I could not understand one work she was saying. This made for a very lengthy check in process as I stood there wondering why she was asking me what shirt size I wore, when in reality she was asking me if I had a car with me. Trying to find out whether or not our room was ready, and when we would find if our room was ready. This turned into a 10-minute because I could not understand why she wanted to "test me." I stood there thinking, now I know that folks can be quite academic in China, but I had no idea that there was a tradition of giving strangers a friendly pop-quiz. I couldn't imagine what the subject might be. I broke out in a cold sweat hoping it wasn't going to be algebra.

As it happens she was suggesting that they text me when the room was ready.

So far so good. All was simple and easy. But as we were to find out, that was merely a set-up to lull us into a sense of security, as soon, we were to begin "the death march."

This is the part of our travel day, where I can proudly look myself in the mirror and say, "You're an idiot."

We had to pick up our Dollar rental car from one of the hotels in Downtown Disney. I had originally planned to take a cab from the Wilderness Lodge. I didn't see any out in front of the resort. I could have asked the bell captain to call a taxi for us, but in thinking about having to wait for it to arrive, I decided that we should take a Disney bus.

At this juncture I should mention that I had a backpack strapped to my back with about 30+ pounds of electronic equipment, plus some of our valuables, and Hisselfness was carrying a two-tiered hatbox (don't ask).

Disney transportation was in good form this particular day. It took a bit over 30 minutes for the bus to arrive. We, who were wearing long jeans for our travelling day, stood in the heat and waited.

As we stood and waited, I became a teensy bit crabby. Hisselfness looked like he might to the teensiest bit of collapsing. The bus arrived but the journey proved to be even worse than the waiting. For some reason the music on the bus, some sort of "hip" Disney music, probably pushing their latest twinkie hits was not just loud, it was blaring. Happy music turned oppressive.

To make matters even worse (as if they could get any worse), the bus was not going to go directly to Downtown Disney. Oh no, in some cost cutting move it was going to stop at the Grand Floridian Resort. I'm not sure if this was a new Disney technique to punish guests for staying at the Wilderness Lodge and to not so subtly suggest that they move up the value chain to the Grand Floridian.

We finally arrived some 40 minutes later with very frazzled nerves at Downtown Disney. Our nerves frazzled from the blasting music and snail paced journey.

By this time Hisselfness was in a fragile state. I dragged him across the street to the hotel where we were to pick up the car. We found we were no where near the hotel lobby, and so, tramped off, 30 pound backpack on my back, Hisselfness with his cane and the hatbox, on a trek in full sizzling sun to find the lobby. Hisselfness, a bit overheated and wobbly even with the cane, fell over twice.

In what seemed like 92 hours later we found the lobby. I was directed to the car rental counter. In a burst of energy, I sprinted over to it, only find out that it was not the rental company I was expecting. At this point, I was overheated, a bit confused, and not more than a bit pissed off. I had miscalculated and we were in the wrong hotel.

I dragged Hisselfness out of the lobby and threw him into a taxi. We then took a cab to the hotel next door. It was worth every penny not having to schlepp out of the hotel, all the way down to the road, and all the way to the next property.

In the end, I finally got the car, only to begin the next leg of our journey, third world country bazaar known as Winn-DIxie, which apparently in Orlando is thought to be modern supermarket.